


boundless as the sea

by juliet_oscar



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 06:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16034630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliet_oscar/pseuds/juliet_oscar
Summary: All this wanting was the problem. There was nothing more terrible than wanting something, it created such potential for disappointment. Especially when the object was something so intangible as love or stability. At least when Alex wanted to get into Columbia there were clear steps to take, with John it was just painful all-encompassing desire. There was nothing he could do that would protect himself from the potential of this all falling apart.





	boundless as the sea

Alex was sitting up in bed. The suffocating mugginess of the August night clung to his skin. He had positioned himself along the edge of his bed as far as he could go without falling off. Honestly, falling off the edge wouldn’t bother him much. The essential aim in all this was to ensure that not an inch of his skin touched that of the boy lying next to him.

Alexander’s bed was pushed into a corner of his studio apartment. For reasons he could not understand John was always happy to take the interior spot on the bed. He was sprawled comfortably on his stomach, apparently oblivious to the heat and to the storm brewing in his partner’s brain. 

They had been together a year. Alex was unsure how to describe their relationship. They weren’t dating, he knew that much. Alex didn’t have a boyfriend, he couldn’t. A boyfriend was a luxury he couldn’t afford. Boyfriends implied stability and at least semi-permanence, concepts unfathomable to a boy who spent his childhood bouncing from caretaker to caretaker after his mother died. John was not his boyfriend. 

They had met during freshman orientation. Alex immediately liked the brave and reckless John Laurens. He had grown up on an estate in Virginia, his family was old money. This comfort had allowed John to indulge whims Alex could not begin to think about. 

Once, after a rather heated debate in Modern Political Thought, John had challenged their classmate Charles Lee to a fight in the park. None of them thought Lee would show but when he did John left him with a black eye that resulted in a stern lecture from Prof. Washington in the next class. 

This sort of impulsive impetuous action inspired in Alex both jealousy and admiration. If he had dared strike Lee he would have in all likelihood lost his scholarship and, given Lee’s family connections, possibly been sent back to Nevis on the next flight. 

And while Alex wanted what John had, more than anything he wanted John. He wanted to listen to him talk, he wanted to debate with him, hold him, love him. He wanted to say things that made John look at him like there was nothing else in the world but them. 

All this wanting was the problem. There was nothing more terrible than wanting something, it created such potential for disappointment. Especially when the object was something so intangible as love or stability. At least when Alex wanted to get into Columbia there were clear steps to take, with John it was just painful all-encompassing desire. There was nothing he could do that would protect himself from the potential of this all falling apart.

This is why he couldn’t let himself want John or the safety and security he brought to his life. That was what got him here, lying at the edge of his bed. Every time he touched John, every time he looked at him he fantasized a future he could not ensure would happen. That's why it was best he didn’t touch him. If he could just get through this night it would all be okay, in the morning he could explain to John it would be best if they left this relationship, or whatever it was, behind them; focus on school and work and the concrete realities Alex felt he had some control over. 

Next to him, John stirred slightly, reaching out to Alex in his sleep. Alex found himself paralyzed under the weight of the hand that was now laying on his chest. His heart began to race, his thoughts blurred. So much of him want to turn into John’s embrace, bury his face in his neck and smell his shampoo combined with the warm smell of his skin. But that was not an option. He needed to get out of this bed, he needed to get out now. 

‘Get up, get up, get up,’ he repeated to himself until finally he extricated himself from John’s grasp and stumbled to the bathroom.

He shut the door quickly and slumped against it. He needed to get himself under control. He hugged his knees to his chest and tried to slow his breathing but it was not working. He felt hot tears starting to run down his cheeks. Angrily he rubbed his face, he couldn’t believe he was acting so foolishly. Even as he thought this he began to cry harder, taking big gulping breaths until he was out and out sobbing. 

Then he heard the creak of the bed in the other room and the unmistakable sound of John getting up. 

‘No, no, no, no, no,’ Alex thought, knowing what was coming but hoping he might be able to wish it out of existence. 

There was a light tap on the door.

Why couldn’t he just leave him alone?

‘Alex?’ 

He quickly rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, knowing all the while it was impossible for him to hid the fact that he had been crying. He stood and opened the door. 

Even in the dim light, Alex could see the concern etched on John’s face. 

‘Are you okay?’ 

Alex nodded weakly.

‘You’re not. Love, what’s wrong?’ John reached out a hand in comfort.

Alex took a few quick steps back until he bumped against the tub and raised his hands protectively in front of himself, ‘Don’t.’

John pulled back sharply, clearly hurt, ‘Please, Alex, tell me what’s wrong.’

He didn’t want to cry, it was stupid. His breaths quickened and he felt his lip tremble and his shoulder begin to shake under heaving sobs. 

‘Alex, Alex, I promise I won’t touch you but I need you to take some deep breaths for me, baby. Can you do that?’

Alex sucked in some shallow breaths.

‘That was good, that was so good. Let’s do a few in through the nose and out through the mouth. In 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 and out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Good job.’ 

Alex hated this, he felt so childish but his breath was evening out. 

‘Here, do you want to sit?’ John asked gesturing to the closed lid of the toilet. 

Alex sat, staring all the while at his hands. 

‘Okay, good. Are you okay if I go to the kitchen for a sec?’

Alex nodded, still not looking at him. 

John returned with a glass of orange juice. Alex sipped it quietly. He didn’t know how this routine started exactly but after every panic attack John gave him orange juice, it helped. 

John knelt in front of the toilet.

‘You don’t need to look at me but can you tell me what’s going on?’ 

‘I don’t, I’m just scared.’

‘Of what?’

‘Of,’ he waved his hand limply between them.

‘Us? What about us scares you?’ 

‘I mean, it’s just, why are you here John?’ 

‘Because I love you,’ he said so quickly and certainly that Alex felt himself flinch. 

‘But what does that mean? What does loving me entail? How long will you love me? What if you stop? What happens then? What…’ he trailed off crying quietly, staring at his lap. 

‘Is it okay if I touch you?’ 

Alex nodded despondently. 

John took both of his hands in his own. He raised them to his lips, kissing both palms before entwining their fingers and setting their hands once more on Alex’s lap. 

‘What it means is there is no one else I would rather spend time with. Loving you entails listening to you rant about Burr’s latest speech to the student gov. and reminding you to eat when you forget and braiding your hair at night even though you insist you can do it yourself. How long will I love you? Honestly, I don’t know, I can’t know and neither can you. I can say I think it will be a very long time,’ at this John raised their hands to his lips again and kissed his knuckles, ‘If there ever comes a time my heart doesn’t threaten to burst with affection every time I see you we will work through it together but for now know you bring me more joy than I think it’s fair for one person to feel.’

Alex could feel John staring at him intently. He lifted his gaze. John’s upturned face was filled with the unique light that he reserved for Alex alone. Alex took in the spattering of freckles on his cheeks and nose, his long lashes, and the curls that had escaped his ponytail framing his face. The warmth from John’s eyes was spreading across Alex’s cheeks and neck. He could feel himself blushing but he didn’t mind. 

‘Are you okay?’ 

‘Yeah, I think I will be. Thank you.’

‘Good. If you ever need a reminder of just how much I love you or how intent I am on staying with you for as long as life will allow, please tell me.’

Alex nodded.

He cradled Alex’s face and pressed a steadying kiss to his forehead. Then he offered Alex and hand and helped him to his feet. 

‘Okay, let’s get you back to bed,’ John said, ‘you probably have not slept much at all.’

John crawled back to his spot against the wall and held his arms wide. Alex cautiously laid next to him and allowed himself to be enveloped by the warmth of his arms. With his head resting against his chest, Alex let the steady rhythm of John’s heart comfort him as he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is my first time writing this pairing but I will probably be writing more in the future.


End file.
